Rewriting an Old Story - about my Big Brother

Something I have been thinking about for quite some time is a story that I wrote for a literary journalism class at Penn State. Toby Thompson was my instructor. He was a generous professor, and had some problems of his own, which he endeared with our trust. One assignment was to write a story about ourselves - something that would be personal of course, but he was looking for grit and dirt. Something profound. My life has been full of those such things. One thing that sticks out like a sore thumb, and something that, to this very hour of this very day, I cope with, and have a difficult time understanding. Not understanding my brothers death is probably the reason that I have had such a difficult time accepting.
It wasn't an act of nature, such as a fallen tree, or a monsoon flood that killed my brother. It wasn't an accident or a slaying at the hand of some merciless killer. It was his own hands and his own mind that took his life. I just cannot understand the concept of his suicide because I committed, at a very young age, that I would not die of my own will. The other piece of the puzzle of his death was my part, and my family's role, in his self-murder.
Writing about it again may help me understand what happened and why. I am not trying to exonerate myself, or convict my family, or vice versa. Understanding, if at all possible, may help me heal.
Laying everything out may also simply help to put the puzzle together. Right now my memory consists of scenes....like scenes cut from a movie with blank empty black spaces where scenes should be. I don't want to walk out of the theater shaking my head saying "that just doesn't make sense. I just don't understand what happened."
I wailed like a baby at my brothers funeral along with my Mom. Everyone else was composed. I am not sure if he wanted me to wail like a baby or he intended to hurt someone else as bad as he hurt me. It is possible that he wasn't attempting to hurt anyone, but simply wanted his own hurt to end. I cannot make that judgement. It doesn't feel right.

I may post the revision/rewrite daily, weekly, or not until it is finished. I will make that decision when it comes up. I would post a picture of him, but I don't have one......